2012. One of twenty nine years of my existence. Not even a grain of sand in the big picture of God's timeline. So what exactly was 2012? It was a time of new beginnings... an exciting time... a time of becoming a father... a time to update priorities... a time to realize what unconditional love is... yet it has been the hardest, most difficult time of my life....
I never knew what depression was until this year. Sure in the past I would have the occasional bad day, but it was always short lived. Everything would always be back to normal usually before the sun rose the next morning. This year the sun seemed to not rise as often. My entire world that I had been living for the previous 28 years crumpled around me. Within three months, my church family was gone and I didn't have a job. Here I am with a new beautiful, healthy daughter whom I am responsible for taking care of while my world is falling apart all around me. For the first time in my life I felt damaged.... broken.... unfixable.... useless....
I'm very fortunate to have a loving family to help me pick up the broken pieces... yet I still feel alone. My relationship with my wife was taking a turn for the worse. Nothing was going right. We would fight about everything. We were unable to communicate. Lies and cruelty destroyed my inner being. God was nowhere to be found. I was bitter. Why is this all happening to me? Often I would lay awake at night and imagine what it would be like if I just dissappeared... ceased to exist... Would anybody notice? Care? Would anybody miss me?
This isn't how I had planned my life to go. Im not the one who is supposed to fail. Things always seem to just work out for me. I always had deep pockets with endless benefits. So whats changed? Did God bail on me? Am I just a lost cause? It took me almost eight months to realize what my problem was. I was doing it all alone. It hit me. EUREKA!! When was the last time I prayed? And not the typical.... thank you God for the food im eating... blah blah blah... Im talking spill your guts out, soul searching, deep conversation with God prayer! Man its been a while. Hey God, its me again... I know that I am not...but I know I am....
I felt like I was living the lyrics of Amazing Grace(Que cheesy church organ music) "....was blind but now I see...." Everything seemed so clear to me now. Its time for me to let God do His thing. Time for me to stop blocking him out of the tiny little speck of my existence. Everything else will fall in line. The sun will rise again. He is the GOD of Angel armies. And He is always by my side.
Well, its time for a new beginning. A second chance for me to make 2013 a year to stand out. A chance for my grain of sand to turn into a sand castle.
I am not...
